Boygenius – Not Strong Enough

I forced myself to go on a walk today. Originally I thought I would try to go for a run but I didn’t have the energy. It was a beautiful day and I thought it might help me feel less like I want a black hole to open in the kitchen if I at least moved and had the sun on my face.

“It would only take the energy to fix it
I don’t know why I am
The way I am, not strong enough to be your man
I try, I can’t stop staring at the ceiling fan and
Spinning out about things that haven’t happened
Breathing in and out”

There should be some time allowed for grieving but instead it’s keep going to work, keep being a parent, wife, daughter, pay the bills, go to the store. Don’t break down in public. And soon it’s Thanksgiving and then Christmas. We are supposed to give gifts and pretend our world isn’t about to end? I know an alarming number of people who either are about to become first time parents or just had a baby. I can’t believe people are having children. What were they thinking?

I want to scream and cry and hit something and get tossed around in a mosh pit, but I also want to be in a coma or on a deserted tropical island and just check out. I am not strong enough to do it all. Giving in to a fascist takeover isn’t an option but I feel like 2016-2020 broke some parts of me. I know, I am spinning out about things that haven’t happened. Yet.

Deep breaths.